sometimes when you're on

finally.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 20:14:00 +0000

though this little visit has not been quite as special as the last, i have done one thing, and i've done it a lot:

SLEEP

sweet, blessed sleep. i'm nearly caught up now.

(i made the marquee to have it stand out. but its a little neurotic to express something so peaceful, no?)

merry christmas.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 18:31:00 +0000
thus far the journey home has been mostly pleasant. thanksgiving, in its near perfection, was a tough act to follow, but christmas has done a fair job, methinks.

the last few days have been spent visiting with my family, eating lots of food, wandering around in the cold, cold willits air, and sleeping (or at least attempting to; it is difficult to sleep with dog allergies in a house overrun by dogs). two real moments stood out.

first, my brother, sister and i pitched in and bought our parents a new drier. this was exceptional for several reasons. one, we have never really gotten my folks anything they need for christmas before. second, we got them a bigger/better present than they got us for the first time. my mom cried, and my dad was shocked.

the only problem: the delivery place brought the wrong drier (we needed gas, they brought electric).

so, enjoying the new gift will have to wait until after the new year. way to fuck up christmas, rent-a-center.

as cool as the drier was, most enjoyable has been observing my brother's new dedication to improving his communication skills. so many of his life issues have stemmed from his inability to express what is going on for him. his friends have taken advantage of him, his relationships with my parents have suffered. last night he just exploded; not in rage or anger. very eloquently he expressed his frustration with being treated like a child all the time. naturally my mother responded aggressively; believe me, it was not easy to be in my shoes shushing her while thanking chas for being so honest. high energy, but very worth it. my little boy is all grown up!

*** *** ***

christmas eve, btw. rather interesting. we had a "mexican christmas."

"mexican" decorations, ceviche, enchiladas, tomales, nachos, mexican pudding, and cuervapolitans. yep. we even sang a little feliz navidad. but mostly we listened to charlie brown christmas while eating said delicious food.

i don't really understand it. all i did was eat a lot of food.

still, it hasn't quite felt like christmas. something seems...off. i've still enjoyed myself for the most part. it just feels different. i'm still in bed at ricki's, haven't even been home yet.

maybe once i make my phone calls it will feel more like christmas.

*** *** ***

still coming is the long recap post. i've been working on it for a while, now.

wrap it all up.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 18:47:00 +0000
a few things to remind myself of the whirlwind that has been the last few weeks:

living situation: i have come to terms with the fact that this situation did not work out. and it is really not my fault. there is nothing i could have done differently to make this work. my roommates had very (ridiculous) expectations of me that they failed to express before i moved in. there was no way i could have met them. so. i will find a situation that is better for me. i have secured a place to sublet for january, and should know in a week if the place i'm really shooting for will actually be available on february 1. if not, i will find somewhere else. alone, without roommates that will potentially fuck me over. and that is that. (i'm not paranoid, i'm realistic.)

grad party: was a riot. i was so damn tired after pulling that all-nighter. nearly everyone was there, which was just awesome. r, our older classmate who was in a "rock band" in the sixties, brought his keyboard. he then performed a spoken word piece (trippy keyboard, btw) about questing through the jungle, after everyone had partaken of some of humboldt's finest. lots of beer, lots of laughing, and some freestyle jazz about spam, complete with d rocking the falsetto chorus. the final few of us passed around a wooden pipe on the couch, bringing up some pretty deep thoughts before crashing out for one more day of the grind.

hannukah party: while it was not quite full of the debauchery of the previous party, it was still a blast! way up in the boonies, i was surprised to only see one other grad student. yet i still knew quite a few folks there, and had some lovely chats. i had my first latkes and blintz and spun my first dredel (i probably spelled all those wrong). having beer with your professors is fun, too. i also got some excellent travel advice from a respected and well traveled professor and another person who was from germany.

they suggested czech republic and germany for my summer trip i'm planning. wheee! i've been concerned about going with somebody, but fuck it. maybe i'll just go alone. just cause i was a pussy bitch last time i went doesn't mean i will be again. hm. i think i just made that decision. we'll see. i will revisit this. soon.

as fun as that was, the after party was where i got my kicks. after i got home, j called me and demanded i go to the bars. exhausted, i tried to say just one drink.

three hours and four beers later, i stumbled home after a fabulously fun night hanging out with m (future roommate!), j and m. i hope i can find those cats on new years, at the bars if nothing else (though i dislike the bars on holidays - WAY too packed).

only the next day when counted up all my drinks from the night before (8) did i realize why i didn't feel well.

misc!!: i also saw w! after a year and a half, i saw her at a small house show. we got to talk for a little while before, and i really liked the set she played. unfortunately, halfway through my tummy started acting up so i went home and went to sleep. but it was still really good to see her.

damn, i'm not gonna lie. it feels good to be done with that semester. i've got some loose ends to tie up before the beginning of next semester, but the spring really should be easier.

again, more on all that later. :)

the timing is good.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 15:54:00 +0000
the last day i will lay in bed, lazing about in this house, and it is pouring rain. the sound on the skylight makes me very happy.

things i need to write about:

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 10:00:00 +0000
1. the soc grad party
2. the faculty party
3. the bars after the faculty party
4. the fact i'm done
5. the validation of my struggles in current living situation
6. the new resolution of my future living situation

none of it now. i'm drunk.

and soon*

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 20:50:00 +0000
i shall rest. i have been awake for 50 of the last 56 hours, including the last 30 straight.

*** *** ***

a few things of note:

1) as promised, the long introspective update soon. i'm excited to share, as i suppose it can serve as a end-of-year recap (complete with how i'm going to try to spin even the most ghastly of experiences as positive!)

2) i promise you a detailed retrospective account of the debauchery that shall take place tonight. (obviously, tomorrow.)

3) a promise: i am making a serious effort to not let things out of my control get me down. this includes other people, external situations, and bad luck in general.

*and by soon, i mean tomorrow.

clean slate.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 08:33:00 +0000
i wish i had one.

i wish i could apologize to everyone i have been obnoxious to.
i wish i could take back the terrible things i've said.

i can't. but i wish i could.

all i can do is move forward, and try to be a better person.

so that's what i'll do! :)

being in a better place for almost a month has helped. i've only had a few lows. but i've come out of them. which is a good thing.

moving forward. at least the lows aren't as frequent, even if they are still intense. baby steps, i'll get there.

*** *** ***

sleep. i got seven pages done of the essay. that leaves me 15 (!) tomorrow. eep. that is gonna be a long night.

i'll get sleep tonight then work my ass off tomorrow. i'm not going to do well, but still. even a halfway decent paper will get me an a-. it doesn't have to be perfect.

just a few more days. :D

a series of REALLY unfortunate events.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 02:51:00 +0000
we first went to mosgo's, for pumpkin spice lattes and homework time. but they had not opened the wall yet for open mic, even though its usually open all day. and its the weekend before finals, so it was packed. no seats, no dice.

we then went to muddy's, for nighttrains and homework time. but they weren't selling nighttrains, and they were closing at 4 (we got there at 3:30). so that wasn't going to work.

we then went to the alibi, for snacks and homework time (because they oddly have free wireless). but their kitchen was closed, because the hot water heater was broken. so we stayed anyways, laughed it off, and began to work (planning a toni's run for later).

and then, when h was off grabbing toni's. guess what happened then.

the last person on earth i wanted to see walked in. are you fucking kidding me.

with nowhere to run, i had to sit there, my breath getting short, my hands shaking. i felt as though i was going to throw up. i suppose i had a mini panic attack, now that i think about it. trapped, i had to wait for h.

i could hear them talking, laughing. as soon as h reappeared i picked up that bag i had hastily packed. we made eye contact, and she quietly suggested i go out the back.

screaming, crying, and shaking, i realized that i have never hated someone like this.

i don't know what's worse: that she thinks its funny, or that she doesn't care. because supposedly i was a pretty important part of her life at one point. i dont know why i'm still holding onto that lie. i feel so stupid for believing it for so long.

i'm almost to the point where i am willing to drop out of my ma program to avoid nights like this. i feel completely defeated.

you win, e. you win. i don't know what you wanted from me, but you have taken everything. my self-confidence, my trust in my own judgment, my sense of being a good friend, my sense of being a good partner, the little bit of security i was starting to re-establish in this town. there is nothing left.

please just let me live in peace, and disappear forever.

maybe the headache will die with the semester.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 20:45:00 +0000
i've had this tension headache on and off for over a week. i just took a hot shower, a vicodin and some icy hot; hopefully this will help in conjunction with hot tubs later.

i've completely finished two classes thus far (quantitative methods and grant writing). i've got two short things to finish for teaching, the big paper for theory, and a bullshit assignment for practicing (which i am going to contest). see, its not in the syllabus. in fact, none of our assignments were in the syllabus. the syllabus was a piece of paper that had nothing to do with the course. however, the syllabus is what matters. so i'm going to fight it and see if i can get out of it. we'll see.

i have to finish notes on at least two books today, in addition to my two assignments for teaching. then today is a good day.

(it would also be a good day if the patriots lose, and the colts and saints win.)

EDIT: well, at least the colts and the saints won.

not quite.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 18:32:00 +0000
i wanted to be done with everything but my final theory paper by last night.

but i couldn't quite get there. i still have the rest of my teaching portfolio, the rest of my data paper, and that absurd assignment for practicing.

off to school soon, to try to recover.

(i had a fabulous night though.)

sometimes we falter.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:27:00 +0000
even though i've been doing well the past two, maybe three weeks, its not always going to go smoothly as i move to shape my life to be what i want it to be. i will stumble occasionally. the other day i stumbled, and i regret being so public about it (though in all likelihood the number of readers who saw posts from those few days is probably few).

i felt it was good to at least address that bump in the road.

more food for thought.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 07:53:00 +0000
"Every morning is a fresh beginning. Every day is the world made new. Today is a new day. Today is my world made new. I have lived all my life up to this moment, to come to this day."
— Dan Custer

"Since we cannot know all that there is to be known about anything, we ought to know a little about everything."
— Blaise Pascal

and on december 18.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:00:00 +0000
i will have completed the following:

theory (soc 610) DONE!!!!! 12/17/09

read political economy of the sign - notes
read simulation and simulacra - notes
~~read ecstasy of communication - notes~~ 12/16/09
read gulf war did not happen - notes
read the illusion of the end - notes
outline final essay
send to sing (by wednesday) had meeting with him thursday - approved! 12/10/09 10:00 am
~~skim robinson (actually skimming)~~
write memo (base on outline notes)
send to sing (by wednesday) had meeting with sing thursday - he won't accept it...
~~read sing's book (by wednesday)~~ didn't do it, bs'd discussion well 12/10/09 10:00 am
~~write pages 1-5~~ 12/16/09
write pages 6-10
write pages 11-15
write pages 16-20
write pages 21-25 DONE DONE DONE 12/17/09 9:00 am

quantitative analysis (soc 583) DONE! 12/12/09

~~data analysis paper 4~~ 12/12/09 11:00 pm - it sucked, but i had a cushion
intro letter for survey
cover letter for survey
thank you/reminder letter for survey
finish edits of survey booklet
survey design protocol section finish editing
turn in final survey design project 12/11/09 6:00 pm
~~finish smart alex 16~~ 12/7/09 7:30 pm

practicing (soc 590)

~~find article, send to sheila/sheila~~ 12/8/09 2:00 pm
~~read article~~ 12/10/09 1:00 pm
~~post blog~~ 12/10/09
final paper

teaching (soc 560) DONE 12/14/09

edit cv
edit philosophy 12/13/09 8:00 pm
skim books for syllabus
edit syllabus 12/14/09 5:00 pm
~~find ati certificate (emailed kim for new one 12/10/09 8:00 am)~~ will be here 12/15/09!

grant writing (tfd 585) - DONE 12/7/09

~~finish and submit grant to ann~~ 12/7/09 1:00 pm

general before i leave

pack and be ready to move upon return
finish grading
finish minor research tasks

oh its go time.

just for funsies: final grade estimates.

quant analysis: A (no doubt)
grant writing: A- (99% sure, 1% chance at A)
theory: A- (50% chance of an A, if I nail the paper)
teaching: A (no doubt)
practicing: A (if otherwise, i will contest and win)

overall: 3.84 to 4.00

not bad, considering how nuts this semester has been. i totally don't have a shot at that scholarship next semester, but oh well. with 15 units, many many jobs, personal turmoil and a shitty living situation, after not being a student for a year?

not bad at all.

wings again.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 06:38:00 +0000
and it will never get old. always an excellent treat for myself.

done with grant writing. slept two hours last night.

so. tired.

*crash*

pms from hell.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 12:33:00 +0000
OH MY GOD DRAMA QUEEN.

since starting birth control i have been the moodiest bitch alive, completely exaggerating everything (even more than usual).

UGH.

a waste.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 05:48:00 +0000
today was hard.

i didn't get much done.

so i am going to bed early and will try again tomorrow. first priority is grant proposal - IT HAS TO BE FINISHED before i get to school monday (i won't have time to work on it).

*deep breath*

day 5. revisiting kindergarten

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 01:03:00 +0000
today i took a nap in the middle of the day. this is something i wish i could do every day, but today i made it happen. i was tired, so i treated myself. :)

things have been going well for me lately. i have a great therapist that i have warmed up to after the first session completely unimpressed me. my medication is a bit different than it was earlier this semester, and if nothing else, i now have done all the preliminary appointments to be able to just get an appt if i need one when meds might be off.

i'm exploring some basic buddhist principles in an attempt to calm my overactive mind and ease anxiety and anger associated with a certain person. i am going to try to live more in the present rather than the past or future. seems like a decent compromise, i suppose.

getting a new place will help a lot in feeling that i can move forward more definitively. if all goes well, i may live with a good friend of mine in a really neat house. the first time i stepped foot in this house a few years ago i wanted to live there, and now i'm a frontrunner to secure the room. cheap, close to campus as well. :)

keep on moving forward. :)

i think i'll have a pretty big introspective update soon. exciting!

day 4. guitar hero!

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 03:27:00 +0000
today, i am going to clean my room, and play guitar hero. i had a delicious burrito (homemade) with beans, cheese, green salsa and sour cream. and some pomegranite limeade (YUMMM).

very tired, but almost there. so close.

*** *** ***

some quotes from the cryptograms i play online

"Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact."
- William James

"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of."
— Jim Rohn

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss

"Divide your movements into easy-to-do sections. If you fail, divide again. "
— Peter Nivio Zarlenga

day 3. pint night!

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 03:25:00 +0000
i totally shouldn't have gone out, but i did anyways. an early run to pint night with good company, and it was a blast. :)

i got 14/15 on my teaching presentation, after preparing very little. that felt really damn good.

day 2. warm robes and rest

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 07:12:00 +0000
i wore my robe for the first time today. when i was sleeping in after nearly blacking out. see, i should have gone to work after i felt reasonably better (around 9). instead, i slept another hour since i'd already called into work sick anyways. i really needed the rest, as i've not taken care of my body all semester. at all.

that is one nice thing i did for myself today. :)

i also had a lovely evening munching on complementary bread at mazzotti's (no money spent!) and some hot cocoa and good chats.

a good day. an early day tomorrrow.

day 1. fuck red bull.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 07:31:00 +0000
a dear friend of mine recommended that i try something new.

every day, i will do something nice for myself. something small, something silly. but something every day. the point is, i need to treat myself nicely. i need to actively do something kind rather than actively put myself down.

(this entry is a placeholder for when i have time to introduce this more thoroughly, i'm very tired).

*** *** ***

today, i had delicious alibi wings. i know, i do this every week. but this time, i was really conscious of the fact i have NO money right now. i should have deposited that money. but i spent it on delicious buffalo wings and blue cheese burger (split with dinner buddy). i had a great dinner with great company, and topped it off with a brisk walk to mokka's for divine hot chocolate.

i was not particularly productive, but it felt good. and feeling good is important to me right now.

tomorrow will be productive.

(note: written last night, posted this morning, 12/1)

:)

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 08:46:00 +0000
no seriously.

i'm really happy right now.

:)

back in town.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 22:29:00 +0000
i am home alone (in what i will call home for a very short while longer).

i'll probably curl up and try to get through a few books with notes. leave a few more for tomorrow. i didn't get everything done that i wanted to. but overall, the visit home (the first real time spent there since august) was actually pretty good.

:)

man i wish i had someone to talk to over coffee about that visit instead of a public journal that nobody reads.

edit: nope. i'ma watch cartoons instead of reading!

i just watched new moon.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 02:19:00 +0000
why.

*** *** ***

in other news. i'm returning to arcata tomorrow. pool tournament was canceled, so i get to ride up with my mother tomorrow. joy.

happy thanksgiving.

noreply@blogger.com (katie) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 07:55:00 +0000
my mom, dad, brother, sister and i beat super mario world on snes. we rotated around the table taking turns until we were done. granted, my mom got two switch palaces and a halfway marker, while my dad beat two levels near the beginning. but still.

happy fucking thanksgiving. :)