day 1. fuck red bull.

a dear friend of mine recommended that i try something new.

every day, i will do something nice for myself. something small, something silly. but something every day. the point is, i need to treat myself nicely. i need to actively do something kind rather than actively put myself down.

(this entry is a placeholder for when i have time to introduce this more thoroughly, i'm very tired).

*** *** ***

today, i had delicious alibi wings. i know, i do this every week. but this time, i was really conscious of the fact i have NO money right now. i should have deposited that money. but i spent it on delicious buffalo wings and blue cheese burger (split with dinner buddy). i had a great dinner with great company, and topped it off with a brisk walk to mokka's for divine hot chocolate.

i was not particularly productive, but it felt good. and feeling good is important to me right now.

tomorrow will be productive.

(note: written last night, posted this morning, 12/1)

:)

no seriously.

i'm really happy right now.


:)

back in town.

i am home alone (in what i will call home for a very short while longer).

i'll probably curl up and try to get through a few books with notes. leave a few more for tomorrow. i didn't get everything done that i wanted to. but overall, the visit home (the first real time spent there since august) was actually pretty good.

:)

man i wish i had someone to talk to over coffee about that visit instead of a public journal that nobody reads.

edit: nope. i'ma watch cartoons instead of reading!

i just watched new moon.

why.

*** *** ***

in other news. i'm returning to arcata tomorrow. pool tournament was canceled, so i get to ride up with my mother tomorrow. joy.

happy thanksgiving.

my mom, dad, brother, sister and i beat super mario world on snes. we rotated around the table taking turns until we were done. granted, my mom got two switch palaces and a halfway marker, while my dad beat two levels near the beginning. but still.

happy fucking thanksgiving. :)

vacay. (technically).

while it is rarely relaxing to spend time with my family, i am requiring myself to do the following over the next few days:

-not think about the fact that i have to find a new place to live.
-not worry about the mountain of homework that looms and awaits my return.
-not get in fights with my parents (i will just walk away).

i will watch football.
i will eat a lot of food.
i will spend time with my brother and sister.
i will back up my computer (computer maintenance tasks are the only thing on my to do list i am bringing with me, because it needs to get done and i will have some time to kill)

my fear is that i can't get on the greyhound friday (i didn't bother buying a ticket because you can buy a ticket on greyhound and still not have a seat on the bus). i'll try friday night, and if not...i guess i'll come back saturday. i'd really like to make that pool tournament at center on saturday.

(one thing i will not miss about this house is the ants. one just crawled on my screen.)

house hunting.

is actually more difficult than head hunting. at least in arcata.

this is going to make my already complicated life that much more complicated.

*sigh*

hot wings are hot stuff

so i say.

i had an incredibly productive day, hammering out at least two thirds of my final project in grant writing. i also managed to lose my keys, but that is okay. tonight, when i get home, i'll rip my room apart. i needed to clean anyways, bonus!

yes, right now, i'm at the alibi eating wings. not as fun alone, but still delicious food. and go figure, they have wifi. who would have thought.

seriously? you wanna fuckin dance.

the break has started well.

friday, ta, a and i worked in the data lab all day. "work" is a very liberal definition; we spent the day laughing, and joking, and altogether consumed by the giggles. seven hours in the lab, and probably got about two hours worth of work done. pizza delivery perked us up, along with the orange fanta. amazingly, i was productive when i got home, able to take care of a lot of little things that had been piling up.

yesterday trumped friday.

i started by meeting a at crosswinds, where we (along with many of his friends) partook of champagne breakfast. oh yes, we'll get done way more today, right? riiiight. tipsy, giggly, and suffering intermittently from the hiccups, we began again.

two hours in:

its a nice day. let's go have a smoke on the balcony.

overlooking arcata and the bay, with a mild breeze, i accidentally got really stoned. i sat at my computer screen for a half hour.

"a. i've gotta go home and take a nap. *giggle* be back later."

returning a few hours later, we hammered through and conquered the data paper. victory!

satisfied with my day, i began to go home. but my night was not done.

arriving at the bars to wish t a happy birthday, i was dragged along to a party in fairhaven. the caravan (including the party bus) brought the party, and we all gathered around for a wild rap battle between two extremely untalented white guys, pulling their hoodies over their heads and making wild hand gestures. the beer, the porch, the wind, the rain, the everything - man. even with a maddening headache that kept my booze consumption down i had a blast.

so seriously? you wanna fuckin dance.

ride the wave.

something has just clicked.
something has just snapped.
something has just fallen into place.

i woke up thursday and something felt different. i woke up with a sense of hope, that things were not actually doomed to stay this way forever.

the only way i am going to be okay is if i believe it.

in the last month i severed ties with two people who had a profound influence on my life. i regret one of those decisions. and if too much damage has been done to repair what has been broken, i can't change that now. i can't let all of this hold me back forever.

all i can do is go forward. so i will.

*** *** ***

And sometimes when you're on
You're really fuckin on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fuckin cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better
And You'll be smarter
And More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be comin in
You're weak but not givin in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be comin in
You're weak but not givin in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fightin all of em

-you know this is my favorite song by now, right?