vodka + vicodin.
Say goodnight and go.
Skipping beats,
Blushing cheeks.
I am... struggling..
Daydreaming,
Bed scenes in... the corner cafe
And then I'm left in bits recovering tectonic... tremblings
You get me every time.
Why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you..
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.
Follow you home,
You've got your headphones on
And you're dancing
Got lucky;
Beautiful shot:
You're taking everything off
Watch the curtains wide open
And you're following the same routine;
Flicking through the TV, relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone..
Oh, why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.
One of these days,
You'll miss your train,
And come stay with me...
{It's always say goodnight and go}
We'll have drinks,
And talk about things and,
Any excuse to stay awake with you...
You'll sleep here,
I'll sleep there,
But then the heating may be down again,
At my convenience...
We'd be good,
We'd be great together...
Go (sigh)
{Instrumental pause}
Why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well..
Say goodnight and go.
Why's it always always:
goodnight and go?
Oh, Darling not again,
Goodnight and... go...
Imogen Heap - Say Goodnight and Go
*** *** ***
While you are away
My heart comes undone
Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
With a grin
Our love
In a ball of yarn
He'll never return it
So when you come back
We'll have to make new love
He'll never return it
When you come back
We'll have to make new love
While you are away
My heart comes undone
Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
With a grin
Our love, our love,
In a ball of yarn
He'll never return it
When you come back
We'll have to make new love
He'll never return it
When you come back
We'll have to make new love
He'll never return it
When you come back
We'll have to make new love
Bjork - Unravel
god i'm so stupid. i need to purge my itunes.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
i'm alternating between despair and fury.
jesus, it hurts so bad to feel so alone.
i would take back all of my relationships if i could. just so that i wouldn't have to look back and feel so rotten about how everything fell apart. i genuinely thought i was happy at most points with all my partners. its a shame they never felt the same. i would delete them all, so i wouldn't have a reminder of how "happy" i thought i was, only to see now that every person i have ever been with is better off without me and probably wishes they never met me. each and every one of them.
j is happily married and living with his smart and motivated wife in a beautiful state. of course, i'm the only girl he ever dated that didn't work out.
e has made it clear that she has never been happy before now, with her perfect partner and perfect life. i feel like a complete fool for believing that she was happy with me, that she was ever in love with me, or that she ever gave a shit about me afterwords. i'm just embarrassed by how hard i fell for her; i really used to believe that we shared something special. my gut is so seldom wrong, but man. i really blew it on that one.
h is more confident, self-assured and self-aware than at any time since i've known her. she loves her job, loves her friends, loves her family, loves her life. she is so happy, and guess why? she isn't with me anymore.
funny how when i'm with people, they are unhappy. and when i am dropped to the curb, everyone else seems to be so much happier, so much better off. and i thought i was such a good partner, too. i'm apparently delusional on top of everything else.
i need a stiff drink.
i would take back all of my relationships if i could. just so that i wouldn't have to look back and feel so rotten about how everything fell apart. i genuinely thought i was happy at most points with all my partners. its a shame they never felt the same. i would delete them all, so i wouldn't have a reminder of how "happy" i thought i was, only to see now that every person i have ever been with is better off without me and probably wishes they never met me. each and every one of them.
j is happily married and living with his smart and motivated wife in a beautiful state. of course, i'm the only girl he ever dated that didn't work out.
e has made it clear that she has never been happy before now, with her perfect partner and perfect life. i feel like a complete fool for believing that she was happy with me, that she was ever in love with me, or that she ever gave a shit about me afterwords. i'm just embarrassed by how hard i fell for her; i really used to believe that we shared something special. my gut is so seldom wrong, but man. i really blew it on that one.
h is more confident, self-assured and self-aware than at any time since i've known her. she loves her job, loves her friends, loves her family, loves her life. she is so happy, and guess why? she isn't with me anymore.
funny how when i'm with people, they are unhappy. and when i am dropped to the curb, everyone else seems to be so much happier, so much better off. and i thought i was such a good partner, too. i'm apparently delusional on top of everything else.
i need a stiff drink.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
a few things that have made me smile
i need to remember them, and think about these things when i'm thinking everything is wrong.
last night, my roommates and i had vegan oatmeal chocolate chip cookie organic vanilla ice cream sandwiches. the cookies were crispy and chewy and still warm from the oven. it was delectable.
last weekend, a few people in my cohort and i got a few pizzas delivered and hung out cleaning out the ta office. it was nice to be around people and not thinking about anything serious.
last week, i confirmed my third and final member of my thesis committee. i got a guy who is an absolute expert in my interest, maybe takes a student a year, and he was more than happy to work with me.
today, before i got moody, i had a delicious omelet with mushrooms, swiss and chicken apple sausage.
yesterday, i finally got my xbox live hooked up for the first time since may. paid for six months and didn't use it, but this weekend i'll play online guitar hero for the first time.
last night, my roommates and i had vegan oatmeal chocolate chip cookie organic vanilla ice cream sandwiches. the cookies were crispy and chewy and still warm from the oven. it was delectable.
last weekend, a few people in my cohort and i got a few pizzas delivered and hung out cleaning out the ta office. it was nice to be around people and not thinking about anything serious.
last week, i confirmed my third and final member of my thesis committee. i got a guy who is an absolute expert in my interest, maybe takes a student a year, and he was more than happy to work with me.
today, before i got moody, i had a delicious omelet with mushrooms, swiss and chicken apple sausage.
yesterday, i finally got my xbox live hooked up for the first time since may. paid for six months and didn't use it, but this weekend i'll play online guitar hero for the first time.
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